Coyote Pete: Fire Victim, Sexual Martyr

Coyote Pete was making love to a bored housewife in an hourly motel when the fire alarm went off. The legend says that he never heard the alarm or smelled the smoke because he’s just too much into fucking.  The legend also  says that while the woman ran out while she still could, Coyote Pete simply put on his snakeskin hat, pulled on his boots, and lit up a smoke.  Because he knew it was his time.  Maybe he knew a lifetime of breaking hearts and raising hell in this town would finally catch up to him, and if the fire didn’t get him, something else would.  Probably an angry husband, gunned down on a hot summer night, left to die on the street like a low class dog.

Or maybe, just maybe, he knew it was better to just burn up, like a star.  He had a couple of good years left before things got sad, and nobody wants to see that, especially Coyote Pete.  But that fire, paradoxically, gave him the chance to live forever.  Now he lives wherever you see a lonely trucker’s wife.  Now he lives in the saggy mattresses of the motels on the edge of town, with the bed bugs and the polyester carpets.

Coyote Pete.  He’s a ghost now, and he haunts our tawdry hearts.

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Wigging Out

You can’t find your interview wig, and without it, there’s just no way you’re going to nail your interview. You looked where you left it last, in your wig closet, obviously. It was right between your yardwork and your birdwatching wigs. You remember because your driving with your kids wig was right there, and you swapped it out after your last interview. You’re starting to get nervous. You think you spot it buried under your sports wigs, but it turned out to be your playing fetch with your dog in a park in New York wig. (similar color)

It’s panic time. Clutch your head and walk in circles. Trip over your Christmas 2012 wig. You’ll be sprawled on the ground, and you see something under your bed. You wiggle your arm under the bed frame, softly grunting grasping at what’s under there. From the feel of the fibers alone you can tell you’re tugging at your Tina Turner Rock 50th Anniversary Tour Wig.

Frantically search all over the house. No sign of it, anywhere. Not in the archives, not in the vault. Where could it have gone to?

You’re in full massive anxiety attack. If you’re not wearing your interview wig you might as well not even show up. You’ve got to be comfortable, you’ve got to look the part. And for you this means wearing the exact hairpiece designated for job interviews. Your wouldn’t wear your watching HBO reruns on Monday night wig to church. Same principle.

You know what, fuck it. Put on your phone call wig and dial up the sub shop. Tell them that you’ve decided not to pursue the opportunity, but thanks anyway. Now put on your giving up wig and stare out the window.

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The Tragedy of the Sex Dirigible

Sex dirigible,
turgid torpedo,
airborne bachinalia
of the skies.

Erotic aerostat
gone forever,
in glorious flame
over the sea of Thailand.

Hydrogen, ignite!
Smash together.
Again, and again.
Until all is consumed.

Blazing star
of doomed carnal delights
scatter your precious cargo
of rich Victorian perverts.

Farewell sex dirigible,
turgid husk
of man’s obscene hubris.
Monument of shame.

They flew too close to the sun.
They fucked under the eyes of god.

sex dirigible.

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